Fear can lead to nothing good.

I am afraid of love. I am not just afraid to be loved, which, after 13 years with my husband is evident in my fear of expressing my love to him. 

He and Irina spent the Thanksgiving holiday in Michigan with his extended family and he remarked upon the reaction that she had to her super loving Aunt Sue. It is the first grandma type that she has been around who is not emotionally guarded. Not only are her grandmas emotionally guarded, so is her mother. 

Kevin described how long it took him to get used to my emotional distance. He who comes from a family where his mother still wants to chat with me about the current events and I feel like every time I talk to her is the first time.
I am afraid to love. Why?  I am afraid that if anyone gets to know me, they will be truly disappointed.  Because my standards for my self are so high, not so for everyone else, just for me.  to me, I am ugly, fat, unaccomplished and a big loser.  

Now I know that that is the image that I will pass along to my daughters.  I certainly don't want them to feel that way.  

It is about time I empowered myself.  That I show love for my amazing husband for my beautiful daughters and for my family in-laws and blood relatives.  If I do not, it will be too late for all of us and my impossibly high standards will cripple us all.