Costly Kids?

A friend of mine shared the heartbreaking news that she chose an abortion over having her second child and the justification was that they couldn't afford a second child.  

My first reaction was that I was appalled, children aren't that costly.  My next reaction was one of sadness for all of my friends that have the means to raise a child, yet are unable to get pregnant. 

We have been coming head to head with our debt this year and the realization is this, we have amassed precisely the amount of childcare expenses that we spent this year as our new debt.  Meaning, we have made up for the expenses of one child and with the new child, we have gone exactly another $20,ooo into debt.  I guess they are that expensive.  

Knowing the second child and the amount of joy that she brings, I can't imagine choosing otherwise.  Tell your creditors that though.  In our currently conservative moralistic society, pleading that you chose to have a child and go further into debt, still doesn't sit well.  You can't call your bank and ask them to lower your interest rates because you don't choose abortion.  It is a moral conundrum. 

 In a mere two years, both girls will be eligible for the public school system and yet now, we are just irresponsible credit consumers.  We live in a confusing society where we contribute to public education for years before our children are actually eligible for it and when they are, we are just taking advantage of the system. 

In the Buddhist tradition, abortion means that at some point in your life you have to commit your life to care taking another human for the rest of your life.  It is a serious karmic offense which requires a deep commitment for reparation.

In the American system, it is a way out of your credit default.  

Reflections

My older daughter seems so needy sometimes.  It makes me want to jump out of my skin.  I know I should love being needed, but sometimes I just want to be left alone.  My whole life, I can't think of anyone that I wanted to spend a 14 hour day with.  Not even myself.  Today I realize that it is the mirror of my own interior world and neediness that drives me crazy.  I am as clingy and needy as she is.  If I could, I would cling to my husband's leg and plead with him to carry me if I could.  This is precisely  what drives me nuts about my daughter.   It is the reflective nature of having children that makes them so tedious.  Not their needs but what needs of your own that they reflect upon you. 

My Birthday

I hate my birthday. It doesn't help that it happens to be on Christmas Eve.  In my family,as a child, it was challenging to say the least. My parents decided to make a traditional birthday cake for me every year.  I think it is indicative of all of the later issues with my birthday, an quite frankly, of a lot of my issues. Steamed English Plum Pudding.  It usually had this soupy vanilla cream sauce with it, that wasn't really whipped cream, and a few times my parents soaked it in Rum and tried to light it.  

Everyone gets their favorite cake on their birthday, my dad gets German Chocolate.  Somehow I am supposed to keep up the  pretense that I love Plum Duff. 

 Just about the time I admitted that I didn't like Plum Duff, my  parents started a new tradition.   Every birthday morning breakfast, my dad would start in on me. How I have been unfocused in my life, and basically how I've failed. To make it worse, they still made my cake, but then refuse to say "Happy Birthday"  until; the hour I was born, which is right before midnight.   So I would cry all morning then think everyone had forgotten my birthday.  I would lie in bed feeling like a complete failure and then my parents would come in my room with silly hats on and sing happy birthday.  Then I would have to eat Plum Duff and pretend that I liked it. 

To this day, as my birthday approaches, I catalog all of my failures and sink into depression until...midnight.  Then I feel so guilty by the time I get the happy birthday call that I am dumbstruck.  I am willing to eat some crappy British food as my hairshirt and then when they finally wish me a happy birthday, I can't even begin to say what I really want for my birthday because I feel grateful that at least someone remembered on Christmas Eve that it was also my birthday..

Karma

We hear so much, "It's his karma". 

 How simple. How complicated. Depends on if you want to blame them or you.  I have such bad self esteem that it is hard not to blame the bad karma on me and the good on others.  

Where do you draw the line between oh well it's karma and I had better take responsibility for this?

My colleague  shared with me yesterday that his three month old grandchild never cries.  

How cool.   His mom has some great karma.  

My daughter cried for four months straight.  It must be her karma, because I didn't deserve that.  

My friend's three year old has never thrown a tantrum.  Whose karma?  Hers I am sure. My daughter throws two hour inconsolable screaming fits?  Whose karma?  Hers? Mine.  

The baby is generally happy.  My karma.  Sometimes she is a fighter and screams really loud.  Her karma. 

My favorite colleague was downsized.   Her karma.  

I was retained.   My karma?  

Not bad.   I think I like this view.

I know that karma is supposed to be an accumulation of your actions good and bad.  It's hard to give credit where it is due. 

It should be the get out of jail free and collect $200 dollar card at the same time.

I want to believe in karma, it's just that it is so convenient to use it for your own good.

More on this to come.