The Moment of Truth

Eckhart Tolle tells of his moment of enlightenment.  He was depressed and he wanted to kill himself.  He had the thought, I just can't live with myself anymore.  That was when he realized that the "I" and "myself" were two different people.  That is when he began his journey of "I".  Understanding that he was indeed an observer and the observed.  

When we were going through the bedtime routine tonight and there was much stalling around the brushing of teeth after I finally got the baby to sleep, my daughter said to me, "Mommy, why are you not happy"?  

I stopped in my tracks.  Was this an existential quiz?  Would I be required to answer candidly?  This moment was suspended in silence as I struggled to answer my lifelong question for a three year old.  Where should I start? With my own loss of innocence? With all of the troubles that have befallen us of late?  With the impending downsize and possible bankruptcy of a company that I have worked for for 10 years in a shrinking industry? With my desire for a better standard of living?  

Then I realized, that she was just echoing what I had said in frustration of the attempted 'cry-it-put with the baby that ended in failure, or the fact that every time I  asked her to do something she talked back to me, saying "No, I don't want to".  That I had just expressed frustration that once again bedtime had dragged out to an hour long process that wasn't because we were having fun, but it was just me nagging her and I said, "I am not happy"..

I had my Eckhart Tolle moment.  I realized that I am not happy because of my lack of boundaries or limitations.  I realized that in every aspect of my life, I allow the others around me to walk all over me and  THAT is the root of my unhappiness.  She is the simple illustration of that very deep discovery.  I don't have strong boundaries about bedtime, just desires, and she walks all over me.  That is what makes me unhappy.